Your Recipe is not MY Recipe
Editor's Note: Unfortunately, this publication isn't an audio...but no fret; maybe one day it'll circle back to become one but for now, I wanted to keep it in the form of my first love: Writing!!
I've been in a moody mood lately. Nothing attitudinal of sorts but just not as perky as I want to be and that could very well be because this month swirls a lot of anniversaries to a lot of unforeseen events that have occurred throughout my lifetime. August is my mother's birth month. She would've been 66 yrs old had she not died 25 yrs ago. I wrote about her 4 yrs ago; Lucid Dreams and although I don't talk about her passing out loud nor do I visit her gravesite; it doesn't mean I'm not affected or my life hasn't been altered. I choose to honor her in other actions throughout my lifestyle. August is when my Grandma's health started to decline when cancer showed back up and attacked with a vegeance and I'll never forget being in the hospital next to her as the doctors told us the deal and she said "Well, I wanna be here just a little bit longer". I'd like to think God heard her request and granted us another 3 months to enjoy her physically being here...a little bit longer because by the doctor's accounts; even that was a miracle in itself. August is where I buried not one but two brother's just weeks apart.
I am currently pausing to press the tears rolling down my face into my skin vs wiping them away. No rhyme or reason. I'm sad to type this to share but not sad in a way of "Lord, Why". I've come to grips a long time ago to not question anything in HIS will but it'll never negate missing them or not being able to hit em up in real time. What grants me peace is knowing they are still amongst us in their own way I find comfort in.
And so yea...this is a tough month for me. Will it always be a tough month? That shall be left to be seen. I have no time restraints nor clocks to hit on how I handle August from year to year. Now while I've started off with a somber tone; l want you guys to know...I share this side not just to be vulnerable (which has been a safe space to be in) but to let chall know...I am a real person and I am spiritually connected enough to where I can recognize these emotional moments and step aside as needed. I can tell **cue TMI** when that time of the month is on the way and don't even need to keep a calendar of sorts anymore because I just KNOW. I am truly tapped into SELF and I honor those grieving periods **no pun intended, lol** where it hits whether in the middle of a rap song or at work. I drop a few tears, linger in the reminiscences **cue Mary J** on the love we haaaaad (I couldn't resist yall, lol) and push through.
With that being said...I'm learning the balance of isolating for a short period of time but not long enough for yall to be like "where'd she go" becuz Numma One-Toot won't let me, lol. I'm still a mom of two and with Mason being settled in college, now it's time continue to pour my attention into Toot going to the SECOND GRADE!!! I know yall...I can't believe it. Rounding out this month reminds me aside from memorializing; I can't get too far off my purpose (which I'm still carving) and once the dust settles; I gotta take a day off for a JUST ME day. This day will consist of starting my day without hitting the clock for work but to dilly dally where the itinerary consists of a spa day. I'm so overdue and a lunch date followed by a walk in the park for nature and sound but moreso inspiration. There's a period of WOOSAH that is needed using PTO and I get excited when I recognize the time to use it-like now; because it gives me something to look forward to.
Not only am I invigorated by that last paragraph; I've been rambling way too long. If you've got this far-THANKS for sticking around. Let me make it even more worth your while.
I done woke up this morning...and did my typical Saturday morning routine. I knew I wasn't going to leave the house for a Sip Trip because well..harken back to the beginning...and plus it was raining. I wanted to wollow in the gloomy morning where the sun didn't shine and stay to myself-by myself. I made my coffee:
Nespresso Blue Bottle pod
Tropical Coconut Creamer
White Chocolate Sauce
A hint of Caramel Sauce
Splash of Vanilla Syrup
A sprinkle of cinnamon sugar
Then I checked my emails. I delete the money grabs because well...I just told yall Mason in college, lol. I sip here and there as I click through and then seen a notification from a publication that read...
Just wanted to let you know that your article is now live on VoyageATL!
I don't know who referred little ol' me and mentioned my name to be of interest but I must say...not bad for a chance encounter where I initially thought was spam or scam and sat on even replying. Even after confirming...okay, it's real, lol, I still lingered in completing it. To be honest, I don't know-I don't find myself to be THAT interesting enough to be featured. What I do know is..I had to remind myself **cue Miki Howard** Ain't Nobody Like Yoooou and ya know it baby!! So I took the time to shake the fears of being seen and whispered this is only the beginning of tiny dreams I have that I don't say out loud.
Now laydeez and gentleman; do you see and understand why I can't drown my sorrows in sadness?! The 8th month of the year tends to be a not so good time for me and I'll never hide that from you guys. I may have some draw backs, set backs and just a decline of invites of sorts, it's nothing against you. I just need a slight recovery time. I want to maintain the optimistic wave of knowing everything is gonna be okay. Not just because HE says so but because THEY know so. While they are not here, they are still-well, here. Just not in a way I can see 'em but definitely feel them.
It's in the nudges I feel to keep doing what I'm doing that nobody else can do in such a way and the gentle reminder in the wink's life tends to give me as confirmation. Yup, I see you too and part of my purpose to is ensure you will see me again. Let me WERK!!
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