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As much confidence I display or one may think I have...let me let chew in on a secret...come a little closer **looks around n whispers** I do not have it all-ALL the time! I am not confident ALL the time! I do not have it altogether ALL the time n there are still times where I can't believe I have what I have n live the life I live becuz I am not worthy. Who cares what people tell u, it doesn't matter if YOU don't feel it urself. When I say I'm not worthy, it's a temporary feeling. It's a small moment I have with myself becuz I can't believe it. The many compliments n comments received are great but iiiii have to believe it n to be honest, I am scared of my own success. The fear of **insert any idea n venture** creeps in n dominates my thoughts where it cripples me to take the leap. I can be totally oblivious to the world when I'm out n about. I miss cues of flirtation n I can't for the life of me understand the fakeness of social media becuz I'm like...why wouldn't people wanna be themselves? How can u not like urself that much to where u create a fictitious life n why would one care so much on what other's think. This is where the fight of comparisons start n real life verzuz starts happening with people u may or may not know. It's where I be like...why me? What makes me so special to have or am I ever so deserving to obtain these blessings. Then u have to snap out it, stick ur chest out n recognize n realize...YES I AM WORTHY! Why NOT me. When I received the bat signal for this opportunity to judge a pageant I thought it was spam or some type of scam lol. I'm like....who's paying attention to lil ol' me. I engage n encourage yall through sharing my own trials n errors of life wit no foogayzee. I figure if I like me that's enough n I don't curve or conform to fit anyone else's mold of me. You like it or u don't whether I have a dollar in my pocket or a stimmy on the way! I am who I am. Now I can add JUDGE to my resume!!! EEEEK!!! I'm nervous n excited at the same time. I have no background in nere nothing of the sort. How did the Director, Lorrine find me of all people **looks around** wow! I am officially a judge for the full-figured dmv pageant (I have to keep saying it out loud to make it real). Thank you guys soooo much for speaking on me in rooms I am not physically in, sharing, liking n passing my blog on to friends who maybe interested in my content n overall ME. Once I remember who I am to say yes I AM deserving, my confidence reappears n comes back stronger. You never know who's watching which is why I stress the importance of being mindful of our own images. We are walking billboards for our brands when we leave out the house n we control our narrative with what we post on social media. I love yall for loving me n I hope to have more announcements of these magnitudes no matter how big or small to be apart of for the community where I can: Inspire. Motivate. Elevate :D

What a weekend-like...no...what a GREAT weekend. Totally unprepared to be OFF for a new federal holiday Friday so it felt like a Saturday throughout the day. I had been gearing up n mentally preparing for this Fathers Day weekend which for the last few years was spent wit my boys. As I am refining myself, I am putting vulnerability on the line more often than not as reality becomes clearer the older I get. My growth is allowing me to either get closer to things or people who align with my movement or distant myself from things or people who add no value to the direction of my life. There is no love lost, its just...everybody can't go! It's officially summer time n the heatwave is coming in hotttttt. Let's rewind.... I love spontaneous moments. Off the cusp, off the whim...just waking up wit no plans in mind is a privilege I gladly take advantage of. When it comes to random plans, me n Eb hit the bat signal **insert eyes emoji** n go from there. As outside is open...I am still cautiously moving which means I am awaaaay from the crowds n the happening spots **coughs U Street** I am also FORTY n the establishments I tend to visit-reflect that (don't let it go over ur head)...so darling **pinky up** we enjoy a light lunch in Annapolis at Carrol's Creek Cafe along the water. I freaking LOVE anything Annapolis. Sadly, since Nordies at the mall **sniff** closed, I don't venture there as much n there's an ice box where my heart used to be so I'm not there as much. The weather was perfect. The breeze tickled my scalp n I got grown n indulged in some Spurr-rets (spirits). This key lime drink was tasty n I paired it with their signature salad. While enjoying the scenery we figured we'd seize the free day n later dip into another place for wine so I kept it light to save room for later. Oh the shrugs of it all to skip about the day #Luxuries Lunch Date OOTD: Dress: GREEN COLD-SHOULDER POPLIN SHIRTDRESS - GABRIELLE UNION COLLECTION (no longer available, I got this last year) Accessories: Flamingos (my spirit animal) from Melody Ehsani n my bag is a vintage bag from Ebay n my shades are old too. (I just randomly search accessories that come to mind "ie vintage doctor bags") How I chose my OOTD: It was a nice day n I felt flirty so I knew I was gonna wear a dress. This dress been sitting since last year so I popped the tag to take it for a spin. The color is a perfect Kelly Green I wanted to pair with my Kurt Geiger bag but on my way out the door this vintage one winked n I no longer wanted a big bag to tote around. I honestly pick by what the spirit tells me. I'm not normally a dangly earrings kinda gal but since my shoulders was giving succulentcy, I wanted the eyes to stay closer to the top to appreciate this fresh cut n color I was serving u heaux. We capped the day with some wine. I'm still a newbie at this becuz I just started appreciating the taste last year. I am understanding more with this grown folks drink n I am enjoying learning the flavors more n more. I still stick to the more sweet sides tho. This blueberry wine from Cooper's Hawk hit the spot n I had a lemon buttercake that was hella sweet. Now I am a chocolate LOVER so it was interesting how I had tarty foods that day-ooooh my taste buds are going through the motions lol. My fun Friday was good n even better when ur in bed by 10p. Hello Saturday!! Typical...per usual fashion...if it's one thing yall KNOW imma do...its kick my weekend off at #Starbucks n if yall just so happen to NOT see my Saturday start off here with The Rascals "Beautiful Morning" song-mind ya bidness...that's all imma say lol. That song makes me feel good rain or shine for a weekend n it just stuck to hear it EVERY weekend. I go between macchiato's n lattes for the most part then I'll chill nearby as the sun comes up to meditate (and scroll to catch up) to myself for a solid 45 min at least. I already knew I had a busy Saturday ahead. I found this dress in the back of the closet...waaay back lol. I had forgot I had it (vintage ASOS) it was comfy chic for the day, sleeveless since I knew it was gonna be hot, BLACK for Juneteenth n fringes cuz im sassy! I was making my rounds to drop off Fathers Day gifts to my guys n made an appearance at a cookout to see my friends who know I am a myth haha. I'm around but not around. There's only but soooo many people I phk wit enuff n tuff-my circle is solid. I haven't seen people in so long n I'm coming out of hibernation for VIP events only. I love small intimate groups (omg, does that sound introvert-ish). If u ever see my comments its peppered with my boy, Keets who calls me his "Shooter". I love him! The love is just there n he's very dependable for male perspectives n overall great dude. Anything they put on is a party n great time so I had to slide thru. THE FOOD: Grillhouse BBQ does NOT disappoint. Yall know the food is a highlight so the grill master gotta be on point. I remember when he first started his business, he was teasing us via IG n I kept being in his DM's drooling over his posts n stalkin him for drops. I finally was able to get a hold of his infamous ribs so strolling in the backyard to see him workin them tongs excited me!! I am so mad I didn't partake in a doggy bag cuz them wangssss was GEWD!! The meat is so well seasoned n I know imma need to just be vegan this week to get back on track lol. Definitely book him for ur BBQ event n don't miss out on them dinners!! I'm bout to go for a walk by the mere thought of my glutton. Rounding off a wonderful weekend in honor of great dads, Sunday presents itself as a new day. All of my guys have been taken care of, I had fun socializing n my cherry on top would be spending time with my own dad. I curate a special "Bae Bag" for him. What do u get the man who has it all is what I've always thought around Xmas. It's hard shopping for folks like this but I know him...like KNOOOW him. I am excited to see him open this bag but the real gift had nothing to do anything--in...this...bag!! I do not have the best relationship wit my dad. My dad is of military background, from the Trinidad Streets of NE n 20 yrs my elder. My dad has always been REAL. He has taught me many of thaaaangs in which I respect him for. Wise man gems I appreciate. I can assure u, Kevin Samuels has NOTHING on my daddy lol. This is why when people cry about tone n delivery, I chuckle becuz for me growing up; it was apart of my life hearing harsh truths. It molded me to where there's nothing u can say to hurt me n that's dangerous becuz my toxic trait is...if u get the joking n joning wit me-Imma take it too far!! My mouf is feisty n I takes no prisoners. There's an art of sarcasm I learned from the King himself aka my dad. For me, I think my dad will always look at me like his "little girl" n I've been of the world too long n independent without the silver spoon of my parents. I've been on my own for over half my life-not to say I've lived sooo long I know everything but I didn't take the path of what HE sought for ME to do. I toss in the age difference becuz as I get older, I understand. My parents were basically fresh outta HS having me. I didn't have Mason til 25 yrs old n I had not nere clue on parenting. Being a parent makes u a forever student. Hell, I'm still navigating through teen life so I've given my dad some grace on how he raised me becuz he didn't have a great example himself on fatherhood. I didn't grow up being the typical daddy's girl. I have no ill will against him. My mama never said anything derogatory about him n I love him for being my dad. There are times where it's a headache during debates to get him to understand my side without having to present stats n fax from studies n books lol. There's just some things u can just never understand n u gotta be okay with scratching ur head n move on especially if it doesn't effect ur life. My dad is a great debater n lives for a good ol' back n forth. He has his moments where he's in chill mode n this was one of those times-thank goodness!! Me n my sister took him to his favorite place; The Croaker Spot which he's always raved about. It's a soul food place n I can see why he loves it. To make a long story n history less long...me n my dad have started to extend olive branches. I am officially waving the white flag...I don't wanna fight no more Gina **Martin voice** I ain't got no more fight in me against no man these days. I wanna keep my skin youthful n glowy with less stress as possible. We had good convo's n enjoyed each others company. I foresee many more "put it into perspective" moments to share. He knows me but don't KNOW me. Despite our differences in opinions n views on things, I still honor him as my dad. Nothing in that Bae Bag was better than my presence. Showing up for my dad to let him know I do love him n I wanna take advantage of the moment while he's here to overcome any issues n misunderstandings. We think we have time til we don't. I do have boundaries tho, I'm not apologizing or feeling guilty for protecting my peace. My dad has always been an open book where he's volunteered info. Now we'll get into a place that may or may not be comfy where iiiiiii can ask unanswered questions n close chapters from my book. I'll be clearing out my throat chakras, respectfully...n however it ends, least we know we did our part in trying to mend **le sigh** I'm grateful for his teachings; like how men think of women after the visual, how to play chess n more importantly; life isn't fair. Overall, I had a great weekend. I should've took off today becuz I need a day to recoup n recharge. I am running off fumes of love that surrounded me all weekend. All parties on the receiving end were well deserved. You are appreciated!!

Droppin' in quick to tell yall (oh wait, yall don't like folks to use "telling"cuz it sounds demanding)...**clears throat to start again** I'm here to quickly TELL YALL; Imma make it real uncomfy for yall heaux becuz we need to tighten up. We gotta get out of the state of delusion to realize we gotta do better. These murky waters of the dating pool ain't gettin no better becuz yall not requiring much. Yall outchea moving out of boredom wit no clear direction on what u want or how u want it which also taints the pool for others. Online dating ain't it-I repeat...ONLINE DATING AINT IT!! You gots to get out. You laydeez complaining about the horrible dating scene are gonna need to step it up n GET OUT THERE. The typical pretty girl privilege where u ain't need to do much if anything at all...dwindles n if ur over 35...u gonna need to start putting in work. If ur socially awkward-this might be a challenge n sorry but I ain't got all the answers Sway. For the last few years, I was busy focusing on my family, school n work. Dating was not my priority. I was out the game for a long time n got used to loosely dating without any sense of urgency to lock anyone down or to BE locked down. In a nutshell...Forty comes fast. By the time I dipped my foot back in the game, I was surprised with how much it changed. I had to switch up the application for open enrollment cuz wheeeeeew...these guys be wild'n. By speaking with the male species, I've learned; these men of value n status ain't stunting off us like that lol. They are sitting back chillin so they don't need to make the first move. Why? Cuz WE need THEM more than they need us **gasp** crazy right?! Men don't really need any type of game in the approach of a woman-however-mistakes guys make is being corny n not being authentic. When a man approaches me, I give em a starting point becuz it shows confidence. I take notes on how well a guy can transition in the convo n how smooth they slid in the situation. The dating dance is an art for us older n mature women. It's been a fun ride but I am waving my white flag. I am done with this rollercoaster ride. It's no longer a thrill for me. I much rather enjoy the "boring" side of love these days. So in a "don't be like me" message...lemme reach back n help out. Time to get choosy...wisely! Lemme show u what I've learned cuz u gotta maneuver correctly in deez streets with the basics. I'll give yall a few tips n tricks to get started. Knowing how to flirt n send those choosy signals along with how to dress is essential. Note: Do NOT be aggressive n desperate. For the Love of Ray J, have some dignity why don't cha!! I have never asked for a man's number. If the convo goes well n he's interested then HE will ask to exchange numbers. When being choosy...u got to let em know without letting em know. First of all, what TF are u wearing?? What's the message u wanna convey about u? Fun n Flirty? Conservative? Classy? For the streets? Exploring options? What type of attention do u want? Dress how u wanna be addressed. Yall don't wanna admit it so we can keep that expressiveness alive. I get it, we should wear what we wanna wear-cool; just don't be surprised when u only getting a certain type of dude. I told yall my ordeal with how I felt when I had pink hair. It was something for me to check off the bucket list n was cute. I didn't like the attention I was getting from it from certain kinds of dudes, i.e. YBN's, NBA's n the rest of those young dudes I can't relate to. I prefer to attract a mature clientele n I dress for such. I'll expand on the dress codes another time. Learn how to flirt. You gotta know how to balance the shy n coyness. Once u set ur sights on him, lock eyes n look away. Bytch I said glance...not a stare down n stare off like u doin a blinking contest. Do something like a glance away wit a smirky smile. Be aware of ur surroundings. Who's he wit? Look back at him. Where did he go? Gawn back to what u were u doin cuz again...we not desperate. Once u see him again, get within his vicinity. Be seen without obviously being seen. Check ur attitude, check ur face-that resting bytch face shyt is NOT gonna work here smh. Your presence needs to be inviting. You already looking good so that's half the battle. Let's seal the deal. Note: A loud n boisterous man is a turn off to me. I can tell when a man is seeking too much attention by how loud he is-LOUD as in talkin, laughing, dressed, his movement. This is why I don't deal with socialites. Any man who can't sit his azz still AT HOME. A man who is chatty patty is annoying to me. Like dude...rest them tonsils n STFU sometimes, shyt. Yall know the ones I'm talmbout lol. Ok, sooo u got his attention. Let him come to u (if u are of confidence YOU can go to him) n be mindful of how ur positioned. If ur at the bar (or wherever) facing forward n towards him shows ur interest. If ur sitting sideways or slanted to where shoulder is diagonal towards him ur closed off; it shows no interest. One of yall gonna break the ice n check the temp in the room. If u give him short answers he'll lose steam. Be aware of ur body language n as yall chat; keep it light n surfaced. Ok so let's recap **scroll ya azz back up n re-read** If u follow those simple basic steps with a personable n pleasurable attitude, u will or shouldn't have any problems getting to a first date. From there, u can dive further into a dialogue to see if u wanna move forward n press on. Time is currency. We have none to waste. Welp!! The ball is in ur court. U still have time (not too much) to control ur narrative before self-destruction. The dating scene is plagued with so many hurt men n women that pretty soon, it's gonna crumble down to the Have n Have Not's. Ain't gonna be no more in between's aka situationships, uncertainty of statuses-NAH! We either is or we ain't. It's time to grow up. LAYDEEZ...if u are still in LaLa Land picking men n using the same formula u never changed based on ur feelings n looking to be madly in love (again) STOP IT!! U need to start choosing the men that choose YOU-pay attention. Often times, ur chasing after guys that are out of ur league or ones u want instead of a good Man U NEED. What type of guys have been tryin to holla that u skipped on n not given the time of day to? Get out of having tunnel vision cuz u are limiting ur options to vet effectively. I hope to see u guys on the other side lol frolicking in the Land of Abundance. Good Luck!!

Growing up I used to watch "Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous" where little ol' me could never relate to such a lifestyle of celebrities. Those types of shows grew into MTV's Cribs and other reality show docs to where I'm sitting on the couch fascinated by it all. I have no fairytale story of rags to riches here. No silver spoons scattered in the kitchen n definitely no "generational wealth" to live like #BlingEmpire (I love that show). To be honest, I've never been into designer shyt. I don't wear jewelry n although I enjoy watching the shows with mansions, it's never been my dream home. Contrary to popular belief, I am not high maintenance at all. As I grow older, my luxuries comes in a different form. On Sunday's me n my boys have family day. It's become pretty much a tradition n so last weekend, we were trying to figure out what to eat. Everyone had their own input on different places to go. I said WOW!! Look at how far we've come. Growing up, eating out was a privilege. As a family, there was only ONE place we'd pick to order out n **cue C Breezy** Look at us now...having the ability to not only eat out but OPTIONS of where to go without batting an eye at prices. Not just having options but making MULTIPLE stops to appease everyone's appetite...say whaaaat. That shyt NEVER happened in our household lol. We all had to vote on one spot n parents was quick to say...I aint stopping more than once. TAKE THAT CHILDHOOD TRAUMA!!! **hi karate kick n chop** These are the luxuries I enjoy. We laugh in the moment but I really am grateful to enjoy these types of luxuries. Mason eats typical teen shyt that my stomach can't endure (I cringe at how much I enjoyed Popeyes wit a youthful stomach) so when I wanna eat out...it's beyond fast food. I have no problem "paying the 5 Gina" becuz luxury isn't just material things. Luxury for me is easy living...convenience n basically just not making life harder than it has to be. Although my wknd rendezvous with #Starbucks can be costly, it's beyond the cost to me. It's for my mental. I can sit n enjoy a cup n enjoy alone time. If I have money for nothing else...it's gonna be for my wknd SB runs. Peace of mind will forever be my greatest luxury to ever own. The priceless moments of spending time with my family. While my visit to the "frat house" (lol I chuckle at naming my boys house) to sprinkle my love came with a surprise visit from my Sister-In-Love stopping pass. We shared some intimate stories amongst family, filled with laughs n cries that iiiiii needed to hear. Being as though I've been reflecting on my own mirror to clean, it was refreshing to have such wise words recited n my own thoughts said out loud from another being other than myself. Time well spent is what I look forward to these days. As an ex-fire dispatcher I gave up so much time with family that I can't get back. I am not gonna get preachy on time n stick to the subject at hand-Luxuries!! I love being able to afford the finer things in life; family moments to where one of the hardest decisions to make is where we gonna eat. What are some of your luxuries? The type of luxury money can't buy? The kind of luxury u can't find in a designer store or boutique? Think on it n let me know...Have a great week :)

Another day...another interesting observation. You ever try to discipline kids n wonder why u find urself repeating urself? For the love of Ray J these kids don't listen until u raise ur voice in a more stern tone for them to straighten up. Well guess what...I ain't yellin n raising my blood pressure to correct nobody. I am not over exerting energies to whoop no azzez. I'm gonna try a more subtle approach n VOILA the idea was born: Gentle Gems!! In only a way I know how to deliver...a gentle drop that can be referred back to later if ur not ready to receive these gems now. On the road less traveled to live the life of abundance; I understand I can't save everyone **cue Project Pat** and that is unfortunate. I am within the level of womanhood where I surround myself with solid circles that hold me accountable and I am open to receiving the message becuz I can attest it leads to blessings. Everyone has to have their own A-HA moment to get they shyt together within their life's journey. As an older sibling I've struggled with this "fall back" mode majority of my life. I see the train wrecks coming n I wanna push them out the way in attempts to save their life but they disregard my hand of salvation n take a chance on the train thinkin they'll be able to cross the tracks n avoid collision without harm. After so many attempts of offering the hand, I just put it back n my pockets n wait for the train to approach knowing the outcome. In the end, there's no need to have a "Told Ya So" reaction after they getting scraped off the ground. Just accompany them to the hospital as they heal from them wounds. Wrote a song about it...like to hear it...hear it go... **you are now entering into the Library of Progress** Some of u heaux need to channel messy energies where u love to thrive amongst chaos into a channel of elsewhere. There are many ways to be productive starting with self-improvement. This world of social media is dangerous n u have to learn to balance it in order to maintain ur own sanity. There is a power in being discreet to where you'll be respected. There is a power in holding court in the land of MUTE which is underserved. There is a greater impact in silence when u implement growth on a higher level. Furthermore, when u are busy being productive in urself to add value to ur home (and anything under that umbrella) u won't be quick to fall into the leech pool of drama where foolishness swirls n keeps u operating on lower frequencies. When I find myself in lazy mode, I think; there's never not a need to sit around bored (unless I am truly resting for the day) I am a creator who LOVES to create. I also have an accountability partner who taps me on my shoulder to remind me to get back on my shyt. If I can dish it, I can take it n I am appreciative of those who hold me accountable. I can't be sitting here complaining bout being fat when I ain't doin shyt but twiddling my thumbs on FB/IG chuckling at chall. I can't be sitting around complaining bout not having a man when I'm on the couch wondering if Prince Charming gonna break into my house. In so many words, I'm tryin to tell yall heaux to GET A LIFE!!!! Getting a phkn life n find something that brings you joy other than initiating n participating in drama. I know we love to say "I got time today" oh...u do? Dress size **KS voice** LOL!! This guy asked me what I do to stay in a positive n vibrant mood. I actually paused to think of it. Well...I enjoy sitting in silence on my balcony. I enjoy being a plant mom, I go for extended walks in the neighborhood, I love a good sunrise n overall I don't take IN nor associate with shyt that doesn't align in the direction of happiness. Now do I watch those Real Housewives n Love n Hip Hop's...absolutely!! But I know how to separate fax n fiction nor do I let it stick to where it seeps into my real life affairs. Experience is a good teacher, its takes someone like me to knoooow (Ode to Muva Miki). Whether I am in serious mode or for play play, I am cognizant of what I post becuz I am my brand n walking billboard. Oh! And I have kids. Yall know I'm crazy already but I am also above the peasantry that I see amongst my timelines n restrain myself from what's associated with it becuz yall be doin some bamma shyt (dmv slang) n I can't rock wit it. On this train to elevation, there are some passengers that will get off before we reach the destination-that's cool. There's also passengers who've hopped off n meet up at later stops further up-that's cool too. Either way...this train don't stop n whoever's left once we reach that promise land-WELCOME...to the Land of Abundance. You'll love it here cuz apparently its plenty of space to move about when the population of greatness is low these days. It's growing...slowly but surely! They'll get here...one day just not on this ride.

...you know...sometimes u don't know how to start shyt off. That's the weird space I'm in now. I am adjusting to this new life no longer being a college student where I am hibernating to get papers and discussion boards done at the last minute becuz I procrastinated all week. I am definitely enjoying the free time n haven't quite got a grip on how to utilize it. What's next...??? Let me let chew in on a secret...I have no idea what I wanna be when I grow up! Crazy right. I am at the age where I gotta SERIOUSLY invest more into myself as retirement **cue horror scream** is two decades away. That R word doesn't even bite til I say it out loud. My degree is in communications! I'm not out here to be a doctor or lawyer of the sorts. I enjoy the admin field I am in and pretty content with my lifestyle. What do I wanna be when I grow up??? Happy! I am in love with the space I'm in. I am not chasing a dollar-been there, done that. It's not that I'm not taking life serious as if I have plenty of time to recoup, I am just balancing whatever time left to enjoy life n also prepare for my elders to transition into the afterlife. My grandma is headed into her 80's n my parents are entering their 60's. This is where the "health is wealth" discussions enter the chat becuz let's be real...they don't have another 60 n 80 years. I am at the point where I am NOT overworking myself n enjoy the flexibility to spend time with family as much as possible. It's such a taboo topic-DEATH-yet inevitable which we don't acknowledge out loud. I want to enjoy watching my kids grow up n see how well they turn out as they become whatever opposite I envisioned lol. Parenting a teen is kicking my azz. Chasing after a toddler while its a few days out the week...kicking my azz. There is no fast forward nor rewind button I would rather hit. I enjoy living in this moment n being able to provide for them as much as possible. Now that I know they are secure...moving on to myself...within this dating world **cue record scratch wit a screech** I've been dipping my toe in and out of the pool along with learning myself. What I want, what I won't tolerate n accept n being able to BE what I reciprocate. Yesssss..I've been cleaning my mirrors n it's been quite humbling. So although I don't know what I wanna be when I grow up, I'm not just frolicking through fields of daisies in a sundress without a care in the world. I am spontaneous n undecided in a few areas of life these days but one thing is fo' sho'...EVERY WEEKEND u can surely catch me doing my routine of starting my weekend off with a Starbucks run followed by a Wegmans stroll. That is my happiness of what brings me joy n keeps me aligned to gather thoughts n figure out how to conquer the world **evil laugh**

Who would've thunk it...meeeee....lil' ol' me here again! I didn't foresee this moment in my future back when I was Class of 2019: Unfinished Business especially when I honestly didn't think I'd EVER get to my Associate's. Within my first degree, I explained how it was a long time coming...like I graduated HS in 1999 **cue Prince** n dropped the ball many of times. I get emotional thinking about it becuz it tapped into an ambition I didn't think I had. It feels GREAT to live in this moment-again! The success in it all feels wonderful. I have a horrible trait of being a procrastinator which is why I have never modeled myself being a perfect student. Maaaaan lissssssen...at MY age-the struggle is real. Balancing work and school is no easy road. I started off doing in class learning for the first half of my associates but I prefer online classes only. It was easier for me to dip into class during downtime n lunch at work. I also made sure to use my resources aka co-workers to help me on studies n there were many of white boards in their offices utilized to understand math problems. I worked with scientists n engineers so they were excited to show me equations lol. This has totally been a personal achievement. When I got my Associate's it was to prove that I could start something n finish it becuz I had a bad rep for leaving things under construction (in a lot of avenues in my life). When my co-workers celebrated me, they gave me two frames n I paused. I had been very vocal on only stopping at my AA n wasn't press for anything more. I had struggled those first 2 years so why would I subject myself of torture for another 2 yrs. I felt like I did what I had to do in honor of my mom n life goes on. Nope! That extra frame put pressure on me. I didn't wanna waste a frame lol. My momentum was high n I was in a groove. Just when I was ready to toss in the towel, I received notification of grants n scholarships. Yall...I legit re-read the offer then closed it out. I AM PHKN TIED!!! Which is what I kept sayin but didn't wanna leave money on the table so I hit the ground running-AGAIN n took summer classes as a head start. Success looks different to everyone. I didn't do this for promotions becuz I am not looking to be a doctor or lawyer. I admire anyone on their academic journey especially if you're over a certain age. My old azz was in class with kids who were born when I graduated high school. Don't know nothing bout etcher sketchers but I utilized they azzez too. They helped Auntie out lol n helped me pass. There were times I had to dig deep. I've sacrificed many of outings n events with friends n family. They understood I had to hibernate for the weekend to get it done. I shed tears of frustration n wanted to quit more times than I can count. I work better when my back is against the wall n surprisingly would knock it out the park n score higher than anticipated. I am hotter by two degrees lol. Am I done? YES-for now! I will say...when your job offers tuition reimbursement n opportunities of FREE education...take advantage of it. For me, I've been in my career field long enuff to where my experience outweighs a degree so I am not worried about the competition of college kids fresh outta school becuz I'm on a senior level wit my skills **flicks nose** if I decided to pursue my Master's I wouldn't be in a rush. Yall...I took 3 classes one summer and 5 classes this spring semester...PHKN FIIIIIIVE. Too many classes is overwhelming. I wouldn't do more than 2 classes per semester. My favorite classes were criminal justice classes becuz I'm such a detective in my head lol. I learned a lot with my classes in effective communication, parenting today and communications n gender. Those courses definitely infused its way into everyday life n I learned to better my own communication especially wit the male species. Even a grants n proposal class which will come in handy in my current workplace. There are many benefits to academic enrichments. I just want to say...THANK YOU ALL for the words of encouragement during this time. Thank you for pushing me n checking on me when I went dark on socials. Thank you for the #Starbucks donations lol. Yall know I neeeeeded them joints n my degree should've been sponsored by they azzez as much as I leaned on em lol. It takes a village! Truly! I chased this dream to compete wit myself n I WON!!! This accomplishment extends beyond me to show my kids it can be done. I used our handprints on the cap to leave a mark on my purpose. I didn't intend to set this bar n I hope I am around to see my babies surpass what I've done (without my monies haha)...after completing my BA, I am looking forward to my first free summer. Oops! I did it again...EEEK!! Last but not least...**cue Snoop Dogg** I WANNA THANK ME!!

It's that time of the year again! It's more of a big to do than Valentine's Day n celebrated as much as Christmas. Happy Mother's Day!!! As a mom of two boys on opposite ends of the age spectrum I randomly pause to take this all in. I'm blessed to enjoy watching my boys grow n if it's one thing I've done right...its picking the perfect babydaddies who acknowledge my contribution more often than not. It's a great reminder how I'm appreciated. However, I will say...around this time it's just forever bittersweet becuz it's an extra ticker to the years of not having my mom. This year marks 20 years since she rolled out n even as the time stretches, the memories never shrink. This is not a sad occasion or post to reminisce but to those who have lost their moms n feel like stillness n quiet time is needed-I understand. If your body is forcing u to stop, listen to it. I know we try to skip over the grieving by keeping busy but it's necessary to sit n cry or lean on ur support group. When my boys kept asking my plans for Mother's Day, I didn't know if I wanted to be bothered or not. I am gonna choose to be bothered n allow them to enjoy my company becuz I wanna take advantage of being present as much as possible for my kids to add to their memory bank. As a mom, I've been on the wave of losing my mojo with Mason, letting myself go after excessive weight gains to reclaiming my life n putting myself first. The infamous default of sacrificing for ur kids sounds great until u have to remember putting urself above all else is just as important. In 2017, I wrote a piece on Being a Selfish Mother becuz the title of mom comes with a lot of responsibility u never anticipate until ur actually in the game. I totally understand why n how women take bathroom breaks during dinner only to sneak out the window n leave with a duffle bag to disappear into the fog while sayin "Phk These Kids". I loooove my babies. Yes I do! Nothing brings me more joy than seeing the smiles on their faces n boys are so loyal. I can discipline them n they still wanna be under me as if a snap, crackle, pop never happened lol. Becuz I have boys, I want them to raise up n rise up to stand up men who would be perfect for someone's daughter-IF I ALLOW IT (yall know it's M.O.B.). Me n Mason have our mommy n son time where we have movie nights on Friday's or random lunch dates. My little Toot is too young to remember at the moment but I love on him n sneak my kisses as much as possible to enjoy him at this innocent age. It's so interesting to see how their personalities are shaped off a chip of they mama. I made sure to not stress during the duration of them being in the womb n it's paid off. They both smile in their sleep (sometimes laugh) n came out happy babies. I know as mom's we want the best for our kids as much as possible n u have to trust ur doing a grand job! I've let go of envisioning what iiiiii want for their lives n leave it open to chase their dreams of whatever it shall be. I am here to assist their dads with guidance n I'm definitely putting em on to game wit these heaux cuz these city girls ain't gettin nere Birkins from MY BABIES!! All this- what does a man bring to the table shyt gettin flipped round these parts. I am down to be my sons biggest cheerleader n here to put foot into azz when needed. It's called a balance of love. My teen is entering high school (keep me in ur prayers) n these teen years I was totally NOT prepared for. I take pride in knowing my Team No Coddle program is paying off n if need be he could be #emancipated as we speak! My little Toot is only 2 n he's such a big boy. I like to wait til bout 5 to start the program but he's showing he's ready early lol. He grabs what he wants out the fridge n cabinets himself. Self-Sufficient Kids!!! Mama loves it. To all the mothers, soon to be moms, and everyone is motherly **cue Dear Mama song**. Stop doubting urself, stop worrying if what ur doin is good enuff n stop stressing if they skip out on veggies. Take a moment n do something that makes u happy n don't feel guilty for enjoyment. The joys of a pedicure, solo dates or even sitting in the car to enjoy ur favorite playlist while snacking without someone running to ur ankles at the sound of a crinkled bag is bliss! I never knew how much I took for granted using the bathroom in peace until I have the house to MYSELF!!! Yes, even teenagers give no phks about u during that time n surely a toddler has no cares cuz they will bring their iPad n blanket in the bathroom n plop they azzez near u on the floor smh!! Whhhheeeew motherhood I tell ya-I wouldn't trade it for anything.

l know we've grown up hearing the whole "don't judge a book by it's cover". Let's be real-WE BE JUDGING! I know I do. I judge ur appearance, ur approach, how u talk, what u talk about, who ur associated with n I know within the first 5 min of the convo what category u goin in: potential prospect, friend zone, or no thank you. For females it's quite simple, I either associate with u or I don't. I have no slouches in my circle-PERIODT!! How you walk out the house represents u and it matters! My style is quite different n I reflect what I see in the mirror. Going out the house in PJ's n a bonnet would cause my mama to roll over in her grave. She taught me at an early age to be presentable before leaving the house...yall heaux seemed to have dropped the ball. “You are received the way you present yourself" - Bangambiki Habyarimana, The Great Pearl of Wisdom Now let me say this...I am no poster child for any standards as how a woman should dress but I am capable of showing my azz without showing my azz. It's hard for me to articulate it so I lead by example. My #WerkCouture isn't the typical mundane blue n black dress suit with a white blouse. I also NEVER liked stockings so I don't wear them **clutch the pearls** However, one thing I can say is...I know how to dress professional in the workplace. I've observed some females who mama may have skipped the lesson on but I've also seen women older than me with questionable dress codes soooo **scratches head** I'm not sure what memo I missed. Well since we've been working from home for over a year, I know we've gotten away from dressing the part and exchanged heels for tennis shoes n dresses for loungewear. I am here for comfort. I am also here to not lose my mojo. Ladies...please be aware of the statement u make before leaving the house. Be mindful of how u wanna represent urself in deez streets. It never fails when I dress up "just to go" to the store I get asked...what u dressed up for, lol. Umm...I don't need a reason to pop tags or have an event to attend to wear makeup. It's not wasteful to me. I feel empowered when I represent myself with confidence. In case u missed it, I am over the top even during my Wegmans run n don't feel undressed nere one bit. It's easy to forget we make statements with the attitudes we present n what we outchea lookin like. For errand runs, yes-I dress up. Even when I dress down-I dress up. I take pride in how I show up n u should too. People treat u differently when u don't walk around Nordstroms in ur loose dingy white tee, lint ball infested yoga pants n pom pom slippers. Good Lawd...have some dignity will ya! I ain't trying to Iyanla yall heaux but chall need to fix ya life. Think of urself as a brand. U are an advertisement when u leave the house. What's the message u wanna convey to the public? When I see people walkin round in their IDGAF couture, it lets me know how u think of urself. SHOCKER!!!! I love how my niece looks up to me, I know it's my responsibility to show her how it's done becuz our image is tainted n overshadowed by what is portrayed in the media. I looooove being a woman. I looooove all aspects and privileges that come with being a woman. Be a breath of fresh air n give back to the eco system by exuding royalty we were born to be. I always find it interesting how we as women can demand so much yet give the bare minimum starting with ourselves. Go the extra mile, take the road less traveled n push through the difference in being good to great. The universe is so rewarding n we are so deserving when u do ur part. Even if I am in the house I luxuriate in caftans. I wear perfume to bed or just lounging around the house. It will give u that pep in ur step! When u are visually appealing to present urself in a positive manner u then get positive attention. We all have a unique appeal that can be misunderstood if we don't represent ourselves correctly. I ain't sayin u need to walk out full glam everyday all day but it's important to know we have an underlying attitude we carry n I choose to have a friendly demeanor. No matter what I have going on, I am optimistic to where I don't focus on problems n maintain vibrancy so I am respectful to strangers n bless yall with sunshine. If ur as comfy with urself from the inside, this shouldn't be hard n we can normalize not needing a reason to dress up. Oh yes, I walk it like I tawk it. Control ur image, don't let our image control u!

This post is derived from what I thought was a simple question posed on my FB page: Do women get upset when a man ask them to smile? I had no idea-honestly this question would have such a trigger for women who feel some kind a way about a man asking them to smile. I've clearly been out the loop! I was watching an episode of The Godfather (here) vid n he was goin back n forth with a woman who called to complain about men asking her to smile. I didn't know if she was joking or not so I kept moving about cleaning n loosely listening. Time had passed n they were STILL talking about a man's requesting the gesture for women to smile. I'm scratching my head like WTF are we talking bout here? I was starting to think my time was being wasted n for the love of Ray J didn't understand why KS kept entertaining her wit the topic. In that moment I felt like Allen did with what (I figured) was minor shyt that wasn't important. Maybe I am out of touch becuz I can't really relate. I am not always walking around smiling...come to think of it...I don't but there must be something for men to view me as approachable becuz when a man does ask me to smile-I simply do it n keep it moving. I've never been asked in an aggressive manner so there's that. More times than not, I prolly get bothered when I'm not in the mood but it doesn't dictate my response. I purposely bury my head in my phone n do a meeeeean look away to avoid acknowledging their presence in passing. However, maybe its just meeeeee....I am not above giving a smile whether I initiate it or it's requested. I remember growing up every time we went to the country people would wave n speak whether they knew u or not. Hence another reason...I didn't understand the madness in the answers or when a smile request became demanding n offensive. Smiling and laughs are contagious. U never know what or how a person's mood can change with a mere smile. U heaux (especially if ur single) are missing out on possible opportunities n blessings wit the mean mug approach. One lovely happy hour evening, a friend n I were kiki'in at a bar. We were totally having our typical laughs n chat when a man across from us pardoned his way in the convo to compliment my laugh **tee hee n blushing** I said thank u n went back to the conversation. Later in the evening, as he was leaving he inserted himself once again to bid me a farewell but not without letting me know he came to the bar after a hard day's work n he surprisingly felt better after hearing my laugh. Well what do ya know...my laughs, giggles n smiles had made this random stranger's day! Apparently it made his day so well...he handed me some 20 dollar bills to pay for my meal n get this yall...he wanted NOTHING in return **gasp** Shocker right...a man who doesn't know me wit the audacity to not only interrupt my convo wit my girl but toss money in hand to pay for my stranger azz meal becuz my laugh's entertained him **cue eyeroll** how annoying LOL!! A man who asks u to smile isn't always trying to holla at u n they also have good intentions of just wanting to see black women smile becuz we often do not. We have such a harsh shield up against men in general n take things so abrasive or maybe it's just from men we don't find attractive becuz I know dmnnn well no matter what ur mood is, if u came across **insert crush** n he (or she) asked u to smile you'd do it with no hesitation. I don't discriminate becuz I am aware of the depressional state many walk around in n if I can release some happiness hormones which cost me NOTHING so be it. It takes more energy in having an attitude than just doin it but whoooaaaaa **holds hands in the air** I have no rights to tell women what to do wit they bodies, my bad. Men are such simple creatures! They don't ask for much n when they do we give em pushback with sucking our teeth n sass. (Pausing Note...I still can't believe I am writing a post about phkn smiling) Yet when we really need them i.e change a tire, open spaghetti jars, clear the mouse trap, and providing to name a few...theeeeen we give into the request all day wit extra cheese! I don't know about chall....but I've used my damsel in distress card MANY of times-to strangers. THANK GOD they didn't have the same attitude as u women be having where they'd not acknowledge my request to help a sista out or feel becuz I'm a woman I have an entitlement to force them to give me a jump...Wheeeew Chile! I have no idea what type of trauma's yall have gone through when it comes to men but we gotta address em ASAP! There's such a disconnect these days and even the respect for good men has gone down becuz they don't dress a certain way or make a certain salary. We get offended at the "angry black woman" image yet feed into the stereotype n confirm it. We are really dismissive if it doesn't apply to us not realizing: OUR IMAGE APPLIES TO US! All I can do is my part which is set the example with how I carry myself n the image I present on my platforms. Kindness goes a long way and I am open to receiving my blessings. I am far more open to giving into the demands of a man asking me to smile vs what dat mouf do. I have 2 young sons and if this is what black women are giving now I can't imagine what generations after will have to be subjected to. My life isn't an everyday rainbow n bowls of laughs but it dmn sure ain't bad n could dmn sure be worse. When u ask me how my day is, my response is lovely becuz it truly is. I do shyt that brings me joy, I don't entertain shyt that stresses me n I also let go n let God. Annnnd THIS ladies n gentleman is why I am Picky With My Presence (blog post) I take pride in what energies I put out into the atmosphere so the universe gifts me accordingly. The findings of my post let me know....u heaux ain't saging like u talkin bout lol n check ya attitudes. Even some of the responses came off aggressive like chiiiilll Ma. How can we tell...**cue Rude Boys song** cuz it written all over ya face...u don't have to say a woooooord. Jus smile and smile and smile for me, better than any word I ever heard. In honor of this post...I am gifting black men smiles to make up for the lack of smiles WE as women haven't been supplying to our oppressed black men who already go through enuff stressors everyday. I love to see black men smile so don't be shy n smile back...please! P.S. I legit just wrote a whole azz post on smiling.

These last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster ride. The gloomier days where the sun hides makes me pause n I begin to feel-too much. I would hate to be a psychic n as much as I love the idea of aliens; I don't ever wanna run into one (or ghosts lol). I have been consuming too much n there comes a point in time where u have to pause all the noise n distractions becuz the shyt gets overwhelming. I remember January 2020 where I was up at 1 in the morning and in the dead azz winter time, it was 60 degrees. The shyt felt so weird. How and WHY is it so warm at this time of day n does anyone else find this peculiar-is what I was thinking. Stillness is important. I had the worst feeling on my balcony last January where I just FELT something bad was coming. I didn't know what exactly but I just KNEW it's-something. March last year was the beginning of the pandemic starting wit lockdowns. Even then I was like wow...but not even corona was the big boom of doom my intuition felt. It's one of those when u know you'll know kinda feelings! I like being observant n we're in a gumbo pot of pondering to vaccinate or not; shyt feels like an east coast/west coast beef when u see people who care too much about someone's personal choice n rights to get the shot n feel the need to defend their stance on it **hands cookie to both sides** We are so on edge that any n everything is offensive n we so "woke" where we wanna cancel EVERYTHING! We been having mass shootings every week, police brutality continues, racism still thriving, ketchup shortages, yall still got toilet paper to spare after hoarding em last year, allergy season is back, DMX done died, Prince Philip FINALLY died, Bernie Madoff outta here (they say death comes in 3's right?) and for the love of Ray J, we still have no closure from #Girlfriends So as u can see...my brain needs a break from the world. I almost didn't post this week but I wanna keep the momentum I have with sticking to a regimen of dropping balls EVERY WEEK!! Kudo's to me. Even with all the emotions n feelings from the world that iiiiiiiii am feeling; I say all that to say...give urself some Grace & Space!! I am moody, I can be distant, I have moments I don't wanna be bothered n it's no love lost from those who understand. When I am too social (i.e phone chats, FaceTime, dates, any time around humans for an extended period of times) I have to recharge. I plan #MeTime to recharge n enjoy my plants around the house which bring me joy. This thing called life needs some type of balance with all the happenings goin on in the world today. Too much news can cause anxieties n have u analyzing shyt that aren't there (although I love a good conspiracy). I can always tell when I need grace & space becuz I have no desire to even be on social media. I will troll n comment n be all up in ur DM's but I'm not press to post on my own shyt. It's not that I don't have content...I just don't feel like it n I can't fake it if im not in the mood. We all deserve mental breaks from the world (and humans). I don't apologize for my absence like I used to. Just know if there's a gap of time where u don't see me...I am cocooning and once I emerge again, I can continue to be a fresh butterfly n contribute to the world. How are u giving urself Grace & Space these days?

I have no balance these days n everyday is an attempt to keep my footing straight. You know how u walk along a balance beam n u try to hold steady as u move across...arms out teetering to avoid the fall n every step can make or break to where u are closer to the end or tip over to fall off. I've been winging it FOR UH YEAR. Wow...a whole azz year of a pandemic that I am living through in my lifetime. This shyt is crazy. I feel like I'm lingering amongst u humans in the land of abyss. The only way I've been maintaining sanity is by prioritizing to have some form of organization as we move along. Holidays and weekends aren't the same and we've literally been on a moving walkway throughout the year. I often lose my train of thought like DUUUUUH n feel Blah (is this what aging is?). And even now...I accidentally deleted the rest of this section n it's lost in cyberspace somewhere...my memory is too horrible to recall whatever was here so lets move right along.... I know we all want to keep this front like shyt sweet and we've been able to "pivot" but sheesh...am I the only one feeling like we in a midst of purgatory over here? The everyday adulting of budgeting bills, balancing shopping, exercise **cue clown face** TUH, dating in a pandemic (how?), missing travel, not hitting the lottery, staying afloat wit 11:59 deadlines for class n trying to avoid a random family member dying as an excuse for extension on assignments (may my teachers never bump into me in public w/any aunts n uncles) LAWD YEEZUZ when my brain churns it's chaotic. Insomnia anyone? Thank goodness for the CBD craze n I be feeling drained after checking 3 emails n surviving a meeting **cue crybaby** My movements are short n calculated due to maintaining visits w/my small circle n knowing one wrong cough will keep me from my little Toot for CDC recommended days of isolation as reported by CNN lol. Also note: I HAVE BEEN COVID FREE THUS FAR n yes, I eat the fries out the bag then remember oh shyt I ain't dowse my hands in sanitizer yet LOL!!! Aight so how do I wheel it in? I indulge in shyt that brings me JOY. I do shyt that brings me fulfillment n reminds me how blessed I am with where I am n what I got goin on. I have noooo complaints (don't mind the rant above lol) becuz I randomly on any given day-more times than not-pause to say god is good all the time. Spring is here n I look forward to random walks in the neighborhood for fresh air. I loooove taking bubble baths n soak at least 3 times out the week. Weekend Starbuck runs keeps me sane n gives me something to look forward to...**lightbulb** THAT'S IT!!!! I look forward to waking up to my Toot's smile as he pops up wit them bright bubbly eyes, I look forward to bussin in Mason room to open his blinds (maybe he's part Mogwai-u are definitely OLD if u get that reference but I'll give u a hint...Gremlins LOL), I look forward to watching my plants flourish as I spritz em down n sing to em, I look forward to engaging wit chall on social media, I look forward to window shopping at Nordies n cat naps throughout the day n visiting my grandma to listen to her back in the day stories. I look forward to great things to come becuz so much success is within my reach. Despite trying to stay afloat urself in a world of uncertainty, what do you look forward to waking up to? What brings u joy these days wit a slice of happiness?